it gets hard to update when my life gets…well intense.
ive been thinking about picking up a cheap acoustic guitar to learn on or perhaps seeing if anyone is selling one. i just think its be fun to play some songs and all that esp with the little around to enjoy it.
i went to see tim barry, chuck ragan, dave haus and the cavaliers on friday. there were 2 shows back to back. fucking awesome time.
i also want to write more. not bloggy bullshit. not my stupid day to day tweets. not my boring status updates. i want to write. its not that im so good at it. but you know. i kinda like doing it. pen to paper. writing so fast i can barely read my own words. scrawling huge, fast sentences.
pause…
i should go take this time i have right now while eden is napping to work on my paper i have to hand in for tomorrow.
i would just like to say i have officially lost 10lbs in 9 days.
im drinking a very large cup of coffee and listening to tunes and putting some groundwork down for a paper.
that was me yesterday.
blarg.
friday is so soon. i have tickets to 2 shows. chuck ragan and tim barry are playing twice on friday and im going to both shows. i am so looking forward to this i cant explain it.
i’m meeting the very recent ex for coffee or something this evening. no idea how this will go and dont wanna say to much about it either since she reads this.
if someone wants to spend the rest of the month of february cuddled up in my bed with me watching movies and tv that is so bad its good please do so. its more fun when theres someone else there and i really like having company in my bed.
im doing things to try and make myself feel better.
i went out for breakfast late this morning and managed to eat half of it. thats good. i smoke a lot of cigarettes now though. it helps, dont judge.
someone asked me what my goals are…what my plans are… the thing is i have one goal in life and that is to be happy. and how im trying to achieve that i suppose are what my plans are or what happiness looks like to me would prolly be a part of what that question would entail. so being a good, present, attentive, fun, loving, and supportive stable mother are at the top of my list. when anything there is lacking i am sad. i want to succeed in school and do well. because i want to show everyone who thought i was a lost cause that i could do it. i want to show them that that 15, 18, 20, 25 year old who they thought couldnt amount to anything has a degree and a good gpa. i want to work in a helping profession with people who were in somewhat similar situations to what i was in at different stages in my life and i provide at least a safe space for them to explore what they want out of life and go from there. i want to fall in love. i want to fall in stupid i cant live without you (reciprocated) love. i want my house to become a home. i want to be present in the moment more often than i am not. i want to not drink to escape, to feel, to exist. i want to lay in bed with my lover for hours and never have to worry that either of us would rather be anywhere else. i want a puppy. i would like lots of art to put up all over my walls created by my beautiful and ever inspiring friends. i want music. i want long hot baths. i want freshly painted walls and a new couch. i want flowers. i want to sit by the lake quietly. and then jump in have a water fight. i wantthe laundry fairy to visit my house at least once a week. i want my hair to always be perfect. i want to look in the mirror and love what i see everyday. i want to see the beauty i know exists everywhere in everything, all of the time. i want more tattoos, i want to travel. i want to go camping and tell ghost stories. i want to cook meals for those i love and throw dinner parties, i want to be out of debt,i want to forgive those who need forgiving, i want to forgive myself, i want to have a good healthy relationship with my mother, i want to at least one day be on speaking terms with my father, i want to ride a motorcycle, i want to own my own home out side of the city, i want to climb a mountain, i want to learn to play guitar, i want to paint, i want to do makeup, i want to create, i want to not be forgotten.
i also just really want to be happy where i am right now, today.
i hate that someone i hate so much introduced me into some of my favorite music. i hate that they pop up into my head at random times when a song comes on and i am reminded of the hell i went through. but i love the music and wont give it up. i won’t give them anything else.
i hate that i have nothing good to say this week.
i need people who understand me, hell i just need people in general right now.
saturday morning.
i had plans to do so many fun things yesterday but i just couldn’t. i was exhausted. this last week has taken a toll on me. the emotional roller coaster i was on just sucked the life out of me. as fun as birthday parties and queer dance parties are i just couldn’t find it in me to make it out. i had dinner at mayas place and had to go lay down in her bed because i didnt even have the energy to sit up and watch tv.
i need to make changes. i keep saying it over and over month after month and i don’t make the changes i have in mind. i feel im weak willed at this point, but i also know that there are things about me which have nothing to do with will. im scared to change and what that is going to mean for me but i’m really really sick and tired of this. sick and tired of being sick and tired you could say.
in some ways i feel like i have wasted the last year of my life. i know how ridiculous that sounds since so much has happened and some pretty huge things came out of it. i’m in school, i came out, i made so many new friends and come more into myself in so many ways. in other ways i feel like nothing has changed and im still fighting the same fights i was at the same time last year, still battling the same demons and still failing to get my shit together. im tired of this. im tired and scared and alone. right now, today i’m just going to take it one day at a time. im going to focus on doing the next right thing and im going to look for the beauty in everything.
i know there is much i don’t go into fully and this is a pretty vague and ambiguous entry to most people. i’m just not ready to put things out there yet, im doubt myself and my resolve. i doubt these feelings wont be overpowered by something stronger, something the forces me to to stay in the exact same place all the time.
i’ll blog more. i promise.
life got chaotic. it happens.
remember that girl i mentioned that i was dating? the one who i had seen before got dumped by and started seeing again? she dumped me. again. anyways these things happen and i spent the better part of 24 hours wondering how it was possible to breathe and feel so many emotions at the same time… before i went to sleep last night i promised myself that i would wake up today and just keep moving forward. it doesnt mean im not hurt, but i feel like i cant give up so much of my time feeling like i would rather be dead. im not mad a her, i feel betrayed and all those emotions that one would imagine. i feel lied to and used and jerked around and most of all i feel like i was so easily dismissed. i think being easily dismissed is what hurts the most. anyways. we’re going to be friends, or so we have said. i have trouble trusting anything right now, i think it will be a long long time before i can even think about trusting anyone again. blarg.
so its thursday, im drinking coffee watching bad morning tv. its one of my fav things to do. i have class at 11:45 its my adolescence intervention class. today we are going to cover gender. as it is this prof makes the most ridiculous and offensive comments about clients with mental illness and talks about how “crazy” teenage girls are and how no man could ever understand one and on and on. im oddly looking forward to the argument debate that might happen.
tomorrow is going to be fun, full day off, seeing many friends and hitting a lady gaga themed queer dance party.
so thats pretty much whats been going on. i wont bother talking about how i went to ottawa ( like in idiot) or the other stuff of the last while since i havent posted since it’s not really relevant. oh eden is good. fantastic actually. i do feel like i need to run away quite often but i love her and she makes my life have a meaning in when i dont want to get out of bed and wanna just say fuck it. im so lucky to have this little person who adores me and who i adore.
my headspace is being an asshole again.
i dont know what happens to me sometimes, but i have days where i feel like the entire world is ending and all i want to do is hide in bed or cry. i have random bouts of tears, which i push aside and decide to do laundry to occupy myself. its lasts a day or two and then life is back to normal. but man, being in it, like today is brutal. i’m happy, my life is good, my child is amazing, school is going well, i have great friends and the beginning of a relationship. so things are indeed good, but i feel right now that there is this huge hole inside of me that no matter what i do i will never be able to fill it. i think i always have that feeling but maybe it just surfaces sometimes and takes on a life of its own before i can get a grip on it all over again. there were times in my life where i didnt have this feeling. there were times that i remember remembering this feeling and being so glad and relieved to have moved on from it and i would like to try and get back to that. i know i need to make some changes in my life, within myself and i don’t want to go through all the work but i want the results and i want them now. i think, no, i know exactly what i need to do i just do not know why it is so damn hard to do it. i’m hoping this weekend of solitude with my daughter will give me the strength to pull myself out of this.
just when i was ready to give up on my diet since i thought i hadnt lost any weight, i lost 3 lbs. not to bad in 10 days. with some cheating in there. (i drink beer sometimes on the weekend..which prolly knock me out of weight loss zone) but yea. 131lbs. only 11 lbs to go.
i’ve been fighting off a nasty virus for the last 5 days or so. i’m finally on the mend. i had the worst sore throat i have ever experienced as an adult. i went to the doctor not once but twice because i was s o sure i had strep. but i didnt. the first time i got tested it wasn’t terrible but 2 days later i could hardly move my neck and thought maybe it was too early for it to show the first time. but thankfully it turned up negative again and today i am feeling better. its still pretty sore and im not really able to talk at a normal volume or it hurts but its way better, its now just a pain in the ass rather than a all consuming holy fuck i cannot move my neck kind of thing.
as usual i started this post yesterday, and well never finished it or posted it…oops.
so the rest of my yesterday consisted of running out of the house at 3 pm in a mad dash downtown to find a cute top or pair of jeans to wear for the weekend. i do that sometimes. i did find a great shirt at urban outfitters, for 68$ which was more then i wanted to spend but i got it anyways seeing as it looked great and it was kinda dressy. i have almost zero dressy clothes. well anymore. i had a tiny bit of fever also which decided to break while i was waiting in line to try on my finds. fever breaking = sweating, ew. gross. sicky sweat out in public. i survived got the top, and stopped in one more place to by a new bra, since new bras and underwear always make me feel good. i came home, showered (which made me feel a million times better and more human) got dressed, did my make up and maya (wow i caved and am using real names) my BFF (aeaeae) come over for a few beers, some much needed girl talk catch up and hang outs. andrea (girl im dating/relationshipping?) came over around 845 and we all hung out chatted, drank more beer,which i forgot mention is was low carb not that it matters since i ate pizza. in a attempt to put ANYTHING in me so i wouldnt get stupid drunk after 4 beers. desperate times, desperate measures i guess. ANYHOO….. we all left, grabbed some PBRs at the store and took the bus to the party we were headed to. afriend of ours, sam got an internship in nyc with some prestigious organization and Bo, my friend and ex and i guess mayas friend and ex too, was leaving for more adventures in asia saving the world. the party was good, saw some people i havent seen in a while, listened to some good music and some terrible music (for the irony i hope) drank more, conversated and peaced out around 2 am. not a rager of a night but a good time none the less.
today the plans include waking andrea up at some point in the next 2 hours, showering, getting ready, going out for breakfast part 2 ( since i couldnt not eat upon waking) and then…then….then…we’re going to dinner at her sisters where her family will be there, who i have never met before. i’m not too nervous but a bit nervous just cuz i want them to like me i guess. oh and i might try and return a dress i bought yesterday, and i must pick up some wine to bring for dinner tonight. which will be from what i understand spaghetti, so NOT low carb. weekend are such cheats for me. and now im going to go listen to music videos on youtube and drink more tea.
i cant believe i divulged that much info in one post.
school started. glad to be back and hoping this upcoming semester doesn’t completely kick my ass. i need to go pick up all my books tomorrow and get my reading done. im so bad at reading the material.
anyways on the low carb front things are going very well. i had a tiny piece of bread while out for dinner last night with friends and drank some beers but other than that i’ve been solid. i went to the gym 3x last week and im aiming for 3x this week too. i do a solid hour on the elliptical and then pretty much peace outta there. but im glad to be getting back into it even if its slowly.
the girl i mentioned a bit ago and i have started seeing each other again, i wont really go into it further than that.
i spent 3 hours at the clinic today to see a doctor because i need eye drops. my left eye had been crying since friday afternoon almost non stop. i looked like i was crying all weekend. haha. anywas i got the prescription nd they cost my 25$. for like 15 ml of eye drops. crazy.
life sometimes feels like there is so much going on that i cant keep up. in a good way. i spent so many years of my life not being able to spend time with my friends or go out when and where i wanted to, that sometimes even still it shocks me.
thats about it for now. i have pictures to post but it will have to wait until tomorrow.
back to the school/daycare grind. i am so happy to be back on a schedule again, vacation time is HARD. it will be very nice to have a few days where eden is in daycare and im not in classes so i can get the housework done, go to the gym, have lunch dates with friends, study and of course run errands and all that other stuff.
i’ve slept like garbage since new years eve. i keep waking up or being woken up by weird dreams, the snow plow outside which sounds like its about to plow into my bedroom window and my kid waking up crying because she threw her teddy out of her crib and needs me to get it. really? fuck. suffice to say i’m tired. i’ve been in a haze of only quasi functioning, getting just enough done and then retreating back to the couch futon(without a frame so essentially a bed) in the living room. let me tell you having a bed in the living room makes it even harder to get ANYTHING done.
ok i wrote all that this morning. its like 9pm now.
I went to school and the gym has an open house thing going on so i didnt have to wait in line for a membership and managed to get in 45 minutes on a machine. holy shit i am not in shape. my heart rate fucking was crazy high (185bpm) after the 7 minutes on an eliptical not even pushing myself so hard. is that normal? im going to get in the habit of training more and see if it changes. i never used to break 155/160 bpm even when i was pushing myself super hard. maybe it has to do with the fact that i smoked this whole past year and that im having some weird allergy issues. or maybe the monitor was bunk? i will use a different machine next time and see. in any case it was great to move and sweat and all that. i met some friends after for a bit and then came home and did ALL the laundry that i have been avoiding. I picked up the little and she got pizza for dinner. she was pretty stoked on that.
so now im just bullshitting on line for a bit, i have classes tomorrow, id like to hit the gym again but maybe i will just walk to school instead. i have the night off since the little is going to my moms and i might meet up with an old friends for some drinks and long over due hang outs. if that doesnt happen i have no idea whats up.
Oh i finally got my cheque and i think im going to buy a new digital camera tomorrow. i miss taking pictures.
